I Do Not Heart Huckabee

disclaimer: the suspect has not been found, charged, tried, or convicted of anything regarding yesterday's incident.

If you haven't seen this story, you probably do not read the newspaper or watch the news. Yesterday, a guy named Maurice Clemmons walked into a Tacoma coffee shop where four police officers were having a cup, working on their laptops and preparing for their day shift at 8:15am. The baristas welcomed him, he opened his coat to expose his weapon, and then he turned and gunned down all four officers. They all died, they all have families, and there is an all-out man-hunt for this psycho in Pierce and King Counties. Last night, he was seen just a couple miles from where Jessica and I live.

If you'd like to know about the four slain officers, click here.

The Maurice Clemmons Criminal Portfolio: Arkansas.
Five prior felony convictions. 1990, sentenced to 60 years for burglary and theft; at that time, he was already serving 48 years and was then facing up to 95 years. (In a courtroom during this era of his illustrious career, he threw a lock he'd stolen from a jail cell at a bailiff, but he missed and hit his mother). Nine years ago, Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee granted him clemency, commuting his lengthy prison sentence over the protests of virtually everyone who isn't named Mike Huckabee. A year later, he was jailed for violating parole after (allegedly) committing aggravated robbery and assault but in an apparent "mistake" was not served an arrest warrant and was released three years later. At some point, he moved to Tacoma. Perhaps the smell of pulp drew him in. (big paper mill there, it creates "the aroma of Tacoma").

The Mike Huckabee Pardon and Commutation Portfolio:
The former 2008 Presidential Candidate issued 1,033 pardons and commutations during ten years as governor - twice as many as the state's three previous governors combined and an average of above one every four days. In one high-profile case, convicted (and castrated) rapist Wayne DuMond was released at Huckabee's urging - he later suffocated a mother of three in Mississippi where he was sentenced to life in prison (he died there in '05).

The Maurice Clemmons Criminal Portfolio: Washington.
Eight prior felony convictions. In May, police were called when he was throwing rocks, damaging five cars and three houses. When a deputy knocked on the door, he grabbed the deputy by the wrist, wrestled with him and punched him in the face, resulting in a black eye. The rampage apparently arose from his wife's "newly discovered child." She declined to file domestic abuse charges, though the sheriff's report includes his sister's quotes describing the things he'd been talking about: he is and should be called Jesus, the world is coming to an end, the Secret Service is coming to get him because he wrote a letter to the president, she suspected him of having a mental breakdown, he was expecting the president to visit and confirm that he is the Messiah in the flesh... later in May, he was arrested for raping a 12 year-old relative amidst a battery of charges including two counts of assault and five counts of malicious mischief. A week ago, after six months in jail for those eight felonies which could carry a life sentence, he was released from custody after posting a $15g bond from a place called Jail Sucks Bail Bonds. He was given a GPS bracelet. Yesterday morning, he tore it off and left it at home. You know the rest.

Law Enforcement: Doing Its Job
Justice System: Fatally Dysfunctional
Let's take a moment to differentiate between Law Enforcement and the Justice System. In this case, as it seems is so often the case, Enforcement has done a pretty admirable job. They catch bad guys and bring them in. This bad guy has been caught and brought in many times. The System, in contrast, is muddled by lawyers, social workers and shrinks who take the simple matter of "is this guy a threat to innocent people leading their lives?" and turn it into an ugly cornucopia of pragmatically irrelevant issues which too often treat the guilty and dangerous party as a victim while ignoring all the tangible elements of the case against allowing the person to remain part of the civilian population.

To be fair, sometimes the guilty and dangerous party is, in fact, a victim. Of other things - circumstances, abuse, prior events - which have nothing to do with the practical matter of "is this guy a threat to innocent people leading their lives?" If a violent and dangerous criminal suffers from mental or psychological issues, or was a victim of prior abuse, get him the help he needs. But for the love of whatever it is you may believe in, keep him confined and off the street.

Throughout this guy's life, Law Enforcement has done its job. He does bad things, the police find him, deal with him and take him in. As in any occupation, there are good and bad cops, people have good and bad days and so forth. In this particularly sensitive and important line of work, some should be relieved of their duty and most should be compensated more for the risks they take every time they punch in. In the final analysis, a cop's job is more simple but more difficult: find someone and bring him in. I know what cops make and go through and I wouldn't do it for twice their pay and conditions.

In contrast, the Justice System clearly has fallen short throughout, both in Arkansas and in Washington, repeatedly screwing up and letting him go, which has only resulted in making future victims out of innocent people. People screw up at work, we all do. But the ongoing trend in this case which, let's face it, is not an isolated trend, shows that the system is simply insensitive to the true needs of the convicted and even more tragically insensitive to the future victims of the civilian population. Maurice Clemmons was not a guy who skipped bail on a jay-walking charge and later did some damage. His felony convictions are a double-digit number and they're ALL centered in rape and violence. And they kept letting him go. A governor pardons convicts more often than his assistant does his laundry, someone in Arkansas forgets to fill out a form, two states either have no reciprocity or they ignore the priors when setting bail... I am unimpressed and a bunch of people are dead.

Washington's justice system has certainly dropped the ball here. Bigtime. The judge who set his bail should be tested for mental defects. However...

Nobody screwed the pooch in greater magnitude than Mike Huckabee, with a sorry assist from the paper-pushers in the Arkansas justice system. As if I could be less a fan of his. His stances on:
Immigration - 700-mile militarily-policed border fence, no birthright citizenship
Iraq - he's for it
Gitmo - for it
Gun Control - against it; supports concealed carriage of firearms
Death Penalty - for it
Darwinian Theory of Evolution - doesn't believe in it
Choice - against it, even early term
Same-Sex Marriage - against it, including civil unions and "don't ask, don't tell", even now when many GOPers are reversing their stance on social issues because they (my .02) realize their long-standing positions make them look like the unconscionable bunch of fucking assholes they are. The money quote:
"I feel homosexuality is an aberrant, unnatural, and sinful lifestyle, and we now know it can pose a dangerous public health risk." - he said this in 2007, in a questionnaire for The Associated Press, I swear. right here, dude.

Only last year, this asshole was the Republican Party's Number Two Guy. Then, John "the angry wee man" McCain got the nod and he was passed over for Veep when the GOP tapped Sarah Six Pack on the shoulder. (that had to hurt, though I can't say I care). I can only take this asshole seriously as a function of acknowledging what little of the damage which has ensued as a result of him, well, being ass asshole has become public knowledge.

If there is a silver lining in the dung-stained cloud of his existence, though, it is that his presidential hopes for 2012 are officially over. Don't worry about his livelihood, though. He's got a show on Fox "News."
nsfw

Turkeys, They Came So Close...

Ben Franklin wanted our national bird to be the turkey, not the eagle. Clearly, we all know the eagle won out, most likely for its majestic demeanor and untouchable stature. The turkey is a rather industrious bird, which captured the fancy of Mr. Franklin. In a letter to his daughter in 1784, he wrote,

I am, on this acccount, not displeas'd that the Figure is not known as a Bald Eagle, but looks more like a Turk'y. For in truth, the Turk'y is in comparison a much more respectable Bird, and withal a true original Native of America.

This letter was written after Congress spent six years choosing the eagle as the emblem of the newly formed country. Big Ben never officially advocated the turkey's candidacy, nor did he ever officially oppose that of the Bald Eagle. He was probably more consumed with the small matter of running the country.

Imagine if the turkey had prevailed as national bird. Would it still be the preferred main course on Thanksgiving? Would it have swapped roles with the eagle? I don't know what eagle tastes like, but I estimate that it'd be a pricey delicacy only available for the saucy; I also know that turkey is plentiful and rather tasty. Me, I like the dark meat for 3 reasons. [1] it's moist/tender/tasty, [2] leftovers: when the white meat dries out, the dark meat still has a couple days, [3] at a family gathering, it's easy to throw some dark on the plate while everyone else is going for the white.

I think it worked out for the best. We enjoy the eagle, which can be seen in many coats of arms (Russia, Germany, Poland, Egypt, Austria, Nigeria, to name a few). Meanwhile, the turkey, well, it's Thanksgiving, you know its fate and symbolism. In the world's game of chance, the turkey drew a bum card. Still, I wonder what eagle tastes like.

Fox "News" Channel, Masters of the Pie Chart

The only thing better than the numbers adding up to 193% is that the pieces of pie aren't even sized according to the numbers. I guess the brain trust at Fox skipped the day in school where they taught the bar graph as the appropriate graphic for comparing the magnitude of three independent questions such as,
1. If Huckabee ran for president, would you support him?
2. If Palin ran for president, would you support her?
3. If Romney ran for president, would you support him?

Speaking of giggling at right-wing loonies, nothing warms my heart more than the re-emergence of the Second Amendment freak-out. Only when the GOP is at its most desperate do we see their lowest common denominator losing its shared mind over the notion that someone might restrict their ability to obtain guns and ammo. Settle down, Gomers of the U.S.A., despite the loosely-packaged fear being peddled by the snake-oil salesmen at FNC and the NRA, there has been exactly zero interest in removing your ability to blow someone's head off. But thanks for the freak-out, because it only reflects your desperation over losing grip on other public policy issues.

I have no desire to own a gun because I'm not willing to invest the time to keep my shooting chops up to avoid falling into the majority of gun owners who find themselves on the business end of things when their gun is used in their own home - but I personally think people should have the right to bear arms, as long as the right comes with responsibility. I also like the Seattle mayor's initiative to ban guns in public parks and recreation areas. It's funny that the Second Amendment nuts are declaring those public areas as their own, or property of the taxpayers, when in reality the city owns those properties and as any property owner the city can prohibit firearms there. I also can't think of any good reason why one needs to be armed at the playground or at the pool. Mostly, when I see the gun-clinging Right use the fear of "they're trying to take our guns away!" it's just comical. Anyone who wants to have a gun can register for a license and buy one and I'd be shocked to hell if that ever went away.

I've read some right-wing missives - you know the ones which tend to use 18-point fonts and butcher all the grammatical majesty of our mother tongue? - bitching about cases in which an unlicensed gun owner uses an unregistered gun to shoot someone who trespasses on his property, and goes to jail for it. Even when you've explained to these wackadoos that by requiring gun owners to get a license and register their firearms, people are only being asked to do the same as they do when obtaining a drivers license and registering a car - even less, because gun owners are not required to pass a test in which they must display the ability to operate the thing, as motor vehicle operators are, if even only once as a teenager. There is no waiting period for a drivers license or a car like there is for a gun license and a gun, but then, the primary functions of a car travel and commuting while the primary functions of a gun is to shooting people and animals for the purpose of injury and murder.

I also ask if the world would be a better place if everybody had a gun or if nobody had one. I think the answer is fairly obvious. Gun-lovers cloak their stance on their desire to protect their family and property, but unless they're a trained shooter who spends time at the range monthly, the stats say the gun is more likely to be used on them.

It's sad and unfortunate, how important owning guns is to so many people. The ability to blow someone away is one that millions of people feel they need to have.

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

Is "the right of the people to keep and bear arms" a subset of a "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State" or is it separate? Were the authors referring to "the people" to mean all people as individuals or as members of a well regulated Militia that's in place to protect our land (a land we violently stole, incidentally, but hey, they got the casinos so I guess we're square!)? I don't think it's absolutely clear. Either way, people can have their guns if it makes them feel more safe (or more substantial in the trousers), but the obsessive need for heavy artillery is something that disappoints me about the apparent human nature. I'm not a tree-hugging hippie peacenik, just a guy who thinks being armed and dangerous shouldn't reside at the core of people's sense of being.

I used to have northern Idaho in my territory at work. EVERYBODY there had a gun. My operator in the town of Hayden explained, "everyone knows that everyone else is armed, and as a result there's virtually no crime here because nobody wants to get blown away. Nobody's house gets broken into, stores don't get held up, none of those problem you guys have in the big cities." He had a point, but it reminds me of a line in the movie Casualties Of War where Sean Penn, playing a bat nuts crazy sargeant, says, "We all got weapons! Anybody can blow anybody away, any second. Which is the way it ought to be. Always." Now, in that film, he's playing an off-the-reservation maniac. And what my guy in Hayden told me was essentially the same thing re-worded. And there are millions of Americans who feel exactly the same way. I don't care if that sentiment comprises the majority. If it does, then I declare the majority to be certifiably f***in' nuts.

I will however, enjoy some turkey and meatballs tomorrow. Meat is murder. Tasty, delicious murder. Happy Turkey Day!

Sportsdrama

For fans of last-minute sports thrillers, this weekend has been one of the best in recent memory. College football had the double-overtime Oregon-Arizona football game in which the Ducks of Oregon won in a hostile environment in the desert and will next play Oregon State in the annual Civil War game which this year means the right to play in the Rose Bowl. The Granddaddy Of 'em All. The NFL gave us a major upset when the 2-7 Raiders scored ten points in the final minute to beat the previously 7-2 Bengals 20-17, and of the couple overtime games today we saw the 2-7 Kansas City Chiefs (one of the league's worst teams) beat the defending Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers. The Chiefs game warmed my heart. KC is not a major market, and the team hasn't enjoyed any notable success since winning the Super Bowl in '69 (they're since 3-11 in the playoffs and have suffered losing seasons in 9 of the last 11 years). Yet, their fans come out en mass and shout their heads off. Arrowhead Stadium (What? An NFL stadium not named after a consumer product?) was packed, everyone was decked out in red,

and those KC fans were louder than hell. In overtime, the Chiefs' rookie kicker, who was traditionally and ceremoniously named "Mr. Irrelevant" for being the last collegiate player chosen in this year's NFL draft, won the game for his team with a walk-off field goal.

Marvelous as these stories may be, as I sat on the couch with the DirecTV NFL Sunday Ticket and the Lox Special (onion bagel, cream cheese, lox, egg fried over hard, tomato and red onion - I get one every Sunday from the Bagel Deli and it... is... deeee-lightful), a greater sporting event happened just three miles from my sedentary posterior. The Major League Soccer championship. Like the NFL's Super Bowl, the MLS hosts its title match at a pre-determined stadium. The heavily-favored Los Angeles Galaxy, complete with David Beckham and Landon Donovan, played Real Salt Lake which barely made the playoffs as a fourth seed from the East. Regulation time ended in a 1-1 tie. Now here's why this is so great. Let's examine how overtime is handled in different sports.

OVERTIME:
NFL - the worst. It begins with a coin-flip, one team gets the ball on a regular kick-off and the first team to score wins the game. For a league whose policies emphasize fairness and parity to a degree which more than resembles Socialism (note: I like that), the overtime structure here is far from fair. All kinds of but-why-can't and but-what-if scenarios leave plenty to be desired here.
College Football - better, but... - each team gets the ball for one possession at the 25 yard line. Tragic flaw: the offense can get a first down along the way. I prefer something along the lines of "sudden death." Why not give each team the ball at the ten for one set of downs?

Looking for some bad-ass overtime? Soccer. If the game ends in a tie, as tonight's title game did, each team selects five of its players, each of whom gets one penalty-shot style of scoring a goal. In the end, whichever team's five players has scored the most, wins. If they tie, they go to another overtime. The tension is delightful. Jessica was at this game. I watched at home. For all the marbles:

Any questions?

Seattle Rock City

Where to begin... KISS. What a show. Jessica is applying pressure for me to blog about it, but I am very tired. She's nice, so I will oblige.

Before the show, we ran into some like-minded folks at Floyd's:


HELLO, SEATTLE! YOU WANT THE BEST, YOU GOT THE BEST! THE HOTTEST BAND IN THE WORLD... KISS!

They opened with "Deuce" and went right into "Strutter" which is one of the few KISS songs Jessica never knew she knew. (at the show, she realized just how much of their music she knows). On to the show:
1. Deuce
2. Strutter
3. Let Me Go, Rock 'N' Roll
4. Hotter Than Hell
5. Shock Me

6. Calling Dr. Love
7. Modern Day Delilah
8. Cold Gin
9. Do You Love Me
10. Say Yeah

Say hello to 37 seconds of the ten-minute drum solo!

11. 100,000 Years
Then...
Gene Simmons breathes fire and spits blood:

... and is raised to the rafters to sing:
12. I Love It Loud

13. Black Diamond
14. Rock And Roll All Nite


Encore:
15. Shout It Out Loud
16. Lick It Up / Won't Get Fooled Again
- Paul Stanley flies to the back of floor:

17. Love Gun
18. Detroit Rock City

Rock.

Music & Football

I guess I haven't posted here in a couple weeks. Reason: I haven't had anything to say. I can't be full of piss and vinegar ALL the time. I'd get pretty tired. Also, each year, for all of November and the first half of December, I find myself entirely consumed with current-year music. If you're reading this, you're probably familiar with the annual 2-disc set, "A Maloney Xmas" which comprises one disc of eclectic holiday music and one disc of music which was released during the current year. The holiday disc is almost an afterthought, as I have a pretty deep vault of holiday obscura from which to pull. As for the current music... I tend to buy music throughout the course of the year and as the pattern goes, I listen to a handful of new releases in February and March, then I get busy, not too busy to keep buying music (the guys and gals at Easy Street Records and Sonic Boom Records must think I make a lot more money than I do, when the truth is I simply spend an irrationally high portion of my income after bills on music). Hey, some guys blow it on lap dances, other guys are into drugs, some have gambling problems, some are into pricey collectibles and memorabilia, or cars. For me, it's music. When Jessica sees me come home with a bag of discs and records and a $115 receipt, she shakes her head but she knows it could be a whole lot worse. Anyway, what always happens is, it becomes Halloween, and after assembling the scary music to play out the window to give our block a spooky soundtrack for the kids as they trick-or-treat, my jones for making mix tapes is reactivated. I end up making a couple mixes for friends, and then turn on my current-year music tunnel vision for a few weeks. There are a couple dozen still-wrapped discs on my dresser, representing many of the purchases made throughout the year. There are another couple dozen unwrapped discs I have listened to but maybe not enough, or maybe it's been a few months and I need a refresher. I spend these few weeks walking around with my tried and true CD walkman. It accompanies me on dog walks, household chores, and long sessions of sitting on the couch. Between that, the tendency for football (my "theater" as Jessica puts it) to become quite interesting in November and December, and the crisp weather of late fall and early winter, I LOVE THIS TIME OF YEAR! Really, man. I live for this stuff. We'll come back here in a minute. But for now...


WHATCHA PAY FOR and WHATCHA GET
A couple weeks ago, in a seven day period I attended three different athletic competitions at Qwest Field.
Exhibit A: Seattle Seahawks vs. Arizona Cardinals NFL game. It was a big game, these teams being in the same division, the Cardinals having won it last year en route to a Super Bowl appearance and the Seahawks having won it all four priors with a Super Bowl appearance of their own. We had great seats, maybe 25 rows up on the 50 yard line. The game was boring, the Seahawks got rolled, and I'd be shocked if a single play made the highlight reel on SportsCenter that night. Though the tickets were free to us (thank you, Jessica's vendor who is also taking us to see KISS in a suite tomorrow night!)... Face Value Ticket Price: $394
Exhibit B: Seattle Sounders FC vs. Houston Dynamo MLS playoff game. The Sounders have taken this town by storm. This game set a Major League Soccer attendance record, with 35,000 and change in the house. The incredibly exciting, tense, physical game ended in a 0-0 tie. My assumption: this is the playoffs, so we're about to see a shoot-out of some kind. Reality: MLS playoffs are a 2-game deal, with each team hosting a game and the cumulative score determining the winner. Kind of like the Beanpot. That bummed me out, though I enjoy the logic. It was a marvelous contest between two equally-matched teams of professional sport. We had great seats, club level, close to the goal where almost all the super-intense action and near-scores happened in the second half... Face Value Ticket Price: $25
Exhibit C: Portland State University vs. Eastern Washington University collegiate Division I-AA football game. The game was played in Seattle's NFL stadium as an experiment, Eastern has an estimated 16,000 alumni on this side of the mountains, and Portland is only three hours away so perhaps their fans would come out. For me, it was primarily about PSU coach Jerry Glanville, a delightful nut whose coaching career has placed him everywhere from head coach of the NFL's Atlanta Falcons to defensive coordinator for the University of Hawaii. He's a colorfully verbose man, a defensive-minded guy, and I've been a big fan for many years. In a classic NFL Films piece in which head coaches are miked, Glanville famously chastises a referee in a 1989 Falcons-Oilers game with this gem (I implore you, please watch this, it is 24K gold):

How great is that? So, a Division I-AA game, which means we're watching players who were not offered Division I scholarships to the big-time schools, which in this region means the PAC-10 (USC, UCLA, Oregon, Washington, Arizona, Arizona State, Cal, Stanford). Some I-AA guys go on to the pros, but they are few in number. The kids who elect to play at this level, for my money, are some combination of these things: able to play at a high level but just weren't fortunate enough to secure a big-time scholarship; chose to accept a scholarship at the I-AA level because with no NFL delusions of grandeur would rather play here than ride the bench for a bigger program; or, with the same absence of grandeur, simply chose the school they wished to attend based on its academic programs and/or locale. I love Divison I-AA football. These guys are not deciding which undergrad year after which to leave school and enter the draft early. They're not choosing agents or dreaming of Nike and Gatorade endorsements deals. They are playing football for the best reason. I love the NFL and the big-time collegiate game. I also watch the CFL, Arena ball, high school games... I love football. I love watching a game at any level. The game-planning, the schemes, fronts, sets, coverages, shifts, stunts, blitzes, delayed blitzes... oh, do I enjoy the game, truly a team game, one in which success of any meaningful kind demands such a high degree of individual commitment to such a team effort. [stepping off soapbox] If you asked the scoreboard on this day, I didn't see such a competitive game. Portland State was blown out by Eastern Washington, 47-10. But I sat in the very front row, on the 50 yard-line, behind the Portland State bench. I not only had what I'd consider THE best seat in the house, I enjoyed the sounds and close proximity of watching the great Jerry Glanville in action. In this huge stadium, there may have been 4-5,000 on the Eastern side, and maybe a couple hundred where I sat on the Portland side... Face Value Ticket Price: $15


Shifting gears (stay with me, captain):

Two Albums Currently Kicking My Ass:
Tinted Windows - a super group, if you will. Pure, straight-ahead, hook-laden power pop magic. When I heard of the band's assembly, and that they'd be playing the annual South By Southwest music conference, I was skeptical. I enjoy the parts, but was worried the sum of them would come in low. The band is: Taylor Hanson on vocals. Yes, that Hanson (there are two kinds of people in this world, people - those who celebrate "MMM Bop" as a catchy motherf***ing song, and those who think they're too cool to admit it). On guitar, the ferocious James Iha, formerly of the Smashing Pumpkins. On bass and backing vocals, Adam Schlesinger of the highly-adored cult phenom power pop outfit Fountains of Wayne. And... (channeling Live at Budokan...) "ON THE DRUMS... MISTER BUN E. CARLOS!" What a great listen this album is. It's just fun. What I like about musicians like this is that rather than show off their musical chops by gratuitously flying up and down scales as a one-trick technical dexterity pony (which is fine - hats off to the likes of Pat Metheny, Yes, Rush, King Crimson, et al), they show off the far less accessible skill of writing, arranging, and recording infectious pop rock full of fuzzy guitars, tasteful drum fills, adolescent (but not sophomoric) themes, and enough hooks for a long fishing trip.
M. Ward - I won't be as long-winded here. This Portland, OR singer-songwriter has been on my radar for a few years now. I've appreciated and enjoyed everything he has done in the past. Beyond his talent, he's done enough collaborating with his contemporaries to suggest that his foremost interest is making and being involved with quality music while having a successful career from a mercenary standpoint should be a residual byproduct of the former. The album he released in February blew me away when it came out, it passed what I and my finicky Uncle Eddie call "the car test" in which you play a CD while driving
and if the music can command your attention while you're driving and must pay attention to other things, then it's a good one. I came back to this album last night and it just put me on the floor. At times it is stark and uses space and silence to its benefit, and at times it puts four to the floor and drives. Throughout, this thing is full of great songs which were recorded well, meaning the production serves the songs by getting out of the way when good taste says so, while applying some density and turning some knobs at times for the same reason. Add a brilliant cover of Buddy Holly's "Rave On" and you've got yourself a listening experience.

What else do you want?