Mystery Train

I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.

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Name: Eric Maloney
Location: Seattle, WA

Say hi to your mother for me, okay?

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Five Greatest Christmas Songs. Ever.

Christmas music comes around once a year, but some of these songs are just too good to exist within the confines of the season. Here's my All-Time Top Five.

This one is the best ever. Period. Not my opinion. Fact.
1. Darlene Love - "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)"


In no order, these are my other four:
2. Run DMC - "Christmas In Hollis"


3. Elvis Presley - "Santa's Back in Town"



4. Eartha Kitt - "Santa Baby"


5. Chuck Berry - "Merry Christmas Baby" *


Sure these are Christmas songs. Above that, they're great songs. They work all year round. As I've lately wondered just why people are noticeably nicer to each other in December, it occurs to me that it can't be Christmas 12 months a year. We couldn't afford the electric bills. But we can play the tunes. If every day could be like Christmas...

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Grandma Denny's Greatest Hits

Jessica's grandma is a gem. When I first met her on xmas of '05, just as we were actually meeting, someone pointed me out and told her who I was. She proceeded to say, "Oh, this is Jessica's friend? Poor guy." That's #1 of 2 among Grandma Denny's Greatest Hits. I was not present for the second item, but it came this Turkey Day, when Jessica brought our friend Aimee down to the PDX. The exchange allegedly went something like this:
Grandma: "Hi, where are you from?"
Aimee: "Philadelphia."
Grandma: "I'm sorry. You seem like a nice girl."
XMAS EVE
Jessica and I worked on the 24th and eventually got down to Portland's Ace Hotel around 9pm. She took care of things all around. The room, an in-room picnic of fancy cheeses, crackers, meats, jelly, fruit, cider, sparkling water... this is our low-key xmas eve chill-out. The calm before the storm. And it was perfect. The room was huge, the picnic was more than even I and my 800-lb. gorilla appetite could handle. The room had a turntable. Uncle Eddie sent me, among many other gifts, a Fools record. We listened to "Psycho Chicken." The ruptured blood vessel in my left nostril sprung a leak and I bled most of the night. That was awesome! Okay, it wasn't. But all the other stuff? That was awesome.

KRIMMITH!

Morning - Jessica's mom Vicki lays out a fantastic breakfast spread with scrambled eggs, sausage, bacon, flapjacks, her dessert roll, fresh-squeezed OJ, and coffee. Everything is made in that kitchen and everything is second to none. Then we exchange gifts among the immediate family, where Vicki and Jessica's dad Phil give all the kids (at 38, I'm a kid) a stocking with a handful of items ranging from Reese's chocolate eggs to iTunes gift cards.
Noon - gift card exchange at grandma's house with the cousins, aunts and uncles, featuring such delightful snacks as the old family recipe shrimp mold and the traditional champagne-strawberry cocktail. The gift card exchange is fun. Each couple brings a $25 gift card for anything and wraps it, then draws a number. In numerical order, each couple selects a card. If you don't like what you got, and/or you wish to trade up, you can force a trade onto anyone with their previously selected card. We found a Hooters card at the 7-11 and successfully navigated the system to make sure that cousin Joseph, an active Marine stationed at Camp Pendleton (San Diego) got it - we knew he'd act like he didn't want it, but we figure a 21 year-old Marine either really wants $25 credit at Hooters or he can use it as currency within the barracks in some fashion.
Afternoon - xmas dinner is held at the very cozy and charming Oregon City home of Jessica's sister Sara and her husband Saint Rob. (Sara is expecting in July '10 and Espiritu Santi Roberto is my homeboy). I don't know how they get this done, given they're both at the morning and noon stops and advance prep can only getcha so close, but by 3pm they've cranked out a spread fit for a room full of royalty. Vicki (xmas MVP) helps a whole lot in the kitchen, but still, there are only so many pairs of hands and so forth and this production just impresses the almighty christmas out of me. This year's culinary cornucopia includes a ham, scalloped potatoes, another potato casserole dish of diced taters topped with a corn flake crust, a whipped cream and fruit salad, cookies, deviled eggs (most underrated holiday food item). I made a loaf of my xmas dessert bread with sliced apples, walnuts, chocolate chips, cinnamon and nutmeg, and as good as that loaf is, it wouldn't even get honorable mention at this banquet. There was all kinds of beer and soda. Dinner wound down just in time for the Chargers-Titans pre-game show.

For some reason, I've always loved everything about Christmas except Christmas Day itself. By the 25th, I'm normally just kind of tired. Jessica has been joking that I don't celebrate Christmas, but the birth of Christmas music. Perhaps that's part of the story - I do love holiday music, and there's an endless well of it to discover so a lifelong hobby awaits. I love the lights and decor, the ceremonial fashion in which every city and town rolls out its stuff. I even enjoy observing how people who treat each other like assholes all year long find ways to be incredibly nice and appreciative during the second half of December. The behavioral psychology of that is simply fascinating. Anyway, as it turned out, this was one awesome December 25. I'm already looking forward to next year's festivities.

THE DAY AFTER
Sara already had lunch plans. Jessica, Rob and I went to breakfast in Gladstone, a place we ate at once. The breakfast there is fit for a lumberjack. Jessica got a French toast dish. Rob and I each got the chicken fried steak, which is our mutual center of breakfast gravity. I thought it was just shy of outstanding, but then, I've never met a chicken fried steak I didn't like. Rob's review: "Average at best." I initially considered asking Santi Roberto if he was f***ing kidding me. Instead, I chose to see it as another avenue to pursue with my man. As time will pass, Roberto y Enrico shall find the greatest chicken fried steak. Oh yes. We will.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

NFL Team of the Decade

I was debating with an outspoken Colts fan last weekend. The subject: which is the best football team of the decade? Any topic can be debated, any case can be made, but even with the decade's final season unfinished I'm surprised there's much at question here. Let's examine the elements of the matter, shall we?

REGULAR SEASON RECORD
The Pats began this year with the best cumulative regular season record (102-42), just one game better than the Colts and eight games better than the Steelers. Let's agree that these three teams are the only ones in the conversation. In 2007, the Patriots registered the first NFL undefeated regular season since the '72 Dolphins. The Colts just may match that feat this year, and they've been 12-0 three times. Anyway, this season the Colts are 14-0 so far, the Pats are 9-5 (both are in first place in their divisions) and the Steelers are having a tough year at 7-7 (they were 6-2 before a 5-game slide). So as it stands with three weeks remaining, the Colts have a better cumulative regular season record by four games over a ten-year period, an average of being less than one game better per year during the regular season. This gives the Colts a very slight edge in this category.

POST-SEASON SUCCESS
Colts: one Super Bowl appearance, won it; 7-7 in the post-season.
Steelers: two Super Bowl appearances, won both; 10-4 in the post-season.
Patriots: four Super Bowl appearance, won three; 14-3 in the post-season.
Clear advantage, Patriots. The Steelers are not far behind, and if they make a run and win this year's Super Bowl (unlikely, but stranger things have happened), a good case can be made for them, but while they'd have as many rings as the Pats, New England would still finish better in every other category (more later). The Colts have been pretty sorry in the post-season, when you consider that despite their one Super Bowl season they've been one-and-done five times, including a 41-0 waxing at the hands of the Jets in '02, getting bounced by the 8-8 Chargers last year and getting knocked out twice at home. But for one incredible season, the Colts have laid a bunch of eggs in January all decade long.

PRO BOWLERS
Colts: 38
Steelers: 42
Patriots: 26

Making the Pro Bowl is an individual honor, so less important in a team discussion. I examined this primarily because I believe the guy I argued with last weekend was blurring his Manning vs. Brady case with the matter of which is the better team of the decade. It seemed to me that Manning, great as he is - and make no mistake about it, I think he's at least one of the greatest quarterbacks to ever play the game, mind-blowing on so many levels and watching him call audibles and compete is downright fun - he's always surrounded by Pro Bowlers who certainly help make him better. This decade, Manning (8 Pro Bowls) has enjoyed the company of 21 offensive Pro Bowl teammates to Brady's 11 (4 Pro Bowls for Tom Terrific). Nine times, Manning has had a Pro Bowl wide receiver to throw to; Brady has enjoyed that luxury only three times. Four times, Manning has had a Pro Bowl running back to take the pressure off the passing game and keep defenses honest; Brady has had that balance only once. Manning has had a Pro Bowl tight end and six offensive linemen; Brady, no tight ends and four linemen. With the Colts enjoying such a huge advantage in the Pro Bowl player category, in the evaluation of which has been the better TEAM, I say the team which has realized the far more prolific post-season and championship success with far fewer Pro Bowl selections has shown us a far more impressive decade-long campaign. The Pats have only had more Pro Bowl players than the Colts twice in these past nine years. The year the Pats won their first Super Bowl, guess how many Pro Bowlers were on the team? Zero. So, it is clear as the day is long, the Patriots have been better than the sum of their parts, achieving more with less, and thus the better team.

note: in the Manning vs. Brady debate, I liken my fancy to that of the Montana vs. Young debate of old. For a season, give me Peyton Manning; for one game with all the marbles on the line, give me Brady.

HEAD TO HEAD:
The Patriots are 8-6 vs. the Colts (2-1 in the playoffs) and 4-2 vs. the Steelers (2-0 in the playoffs). Advantage, Patriots.

CONCLUSION

If the Colts run the table during the next few weeks, they'll finish the decade with the best regular season record but not the best playoff record and not the best overall record when you combine the two. They'll have two Super Bowl appearances to the Patriots' four, two championship to the Patriots' three, and head-to-head the Pats will still have the edge both in regular season and playoff contests. And the Pats will have done this with far less Pro Bowl players. If the Steelers bust out of their current funk, make the playoffs and eventually win the Super Bowl, they'll have as many titles as the Pats but not as many Super Bowl appearances, and the Pats will still have a better record in the regular season, playoff, and head-to-head categories - also with far less Pro Bowlers. No matter what happens in the remainder of this season and post-season, the New England Patriots are the best football team of this decade.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

2009

Each year, instead of Christmas cards, I send music. The 2-disc set comprises one CD of holiday tunes which range from the traditional to the obscure, featuring genres from blues and jazz to rock and novelty; and a disc of music released during the current year which reflects my varied tastes in music and what I've been exposed to lately. It's quite a project. It generally consumes my free time for most of November and the first half of December. I always use a week of vacation time in December's second week just for the assembly, packaging and mailing of this thing. With 165 pieces, this involves burning 330 discs, creating and printing the artwork, applying the artwork to the CD cases, labeling the discs with stamps, getting it all into the mail (100 or so are mailed and the rest are passed out locally). It's a more personal kind of xmas card, and it makes me stay current with good music, which is out there - you just have to look for it. Or, listen.

Santa's Little Helpers:
Jessica advises me on the artwork, proof-reads the copy, helps find and select images, and does the layout. Before she came along, I was using the cookie-cutter layout stuff you get at Office Max. She has made the presentation and packaging more tasteful, artistically endearing, the most labor-intensive one-man arts & crafts project this side of anywhere. Charlie hooked me up with some new xmas metal for the holiday disc. Pete ran the current-year disc through the high-speed burner at work to cut my CD burning time in half (he helped a brother out last year, too). Rosalie has a cool stamp which she let me use on the current-year disc. Geoff and Lorien are great photographers who let me peruse hundreds of their cool shots and use whichever one I chose. (in exchange, I'm making them a batch of meatballs and a loaf of my xmas dessert bread - a small price to pay for a photographic image which serves as the face of something on which I spend hundreds of hours, send to my friends and family, and put my name on). These generous people make the final product that much more special. Good friends tend to have that kind of impact on a fella.

The Lightning Round:
Skipping the part of the story which entails buying music throughout the year and ultimately spending November and early December with headphones virtually glued to my melon... (I must be a joy to live with this time of year!) Once I've got it narrowed down to about two hours of music, it gets tough. A CD can hold 80 minutes of music. Using round but realistic numbers, if I buy 50 albums during the year, chances are ten of them are turkeys. Of the remaining 40, some have a song that inspires consideration, many have a couple, some have several. The first round of selection normally puts about 4 hours of music into consideration. From there, it's simply a matter of listening to all the tunes, repeatedly, to let some float to the top while others prove to have less staying power. I don't posture this mix to be a "Best Of" for the year - only people who make a living as music critics and get exposed to so much more are qualified for that - but this disc, for me, personifies two things: [1] putting a time stamp on which music excited me the most while it was current, and [2] exposing my friends and family to music I'd like them to hear. This sometimes means that music I love does not get included. Using this year as an example, Bob Dylan released a GREAT album, possibly the best I've heard in '09, but as I'm trying to reduce a couple hours of great music to a collection of tunes that can fit on a single disc, the process begs the question, "does anyone really need me to hip them to Bob Dylan?" And so at some point, it becomes a numbers game. It's down to the wire, three-four-five songs (depending on length) must be cut, but all which remain standing absolutely need to be heard! As an ambassador of turning folks on to music that's new to them, I feel compelled to simply cut the songs by artists who've previously appeared more often on my year-end mix. This year, that meant cutting Dylan, Wilco, and my good friend Michael McDermott, each of whom I love, put out great albums this year, but each has appeared twice. The result? A disc of 21 songs, 19 of which are by artists making their debut and 2 of which come from artists who've appeared only once in the past (Wolfmother and the Fruit Bats).


The Songs:


1. The Moondoggies - "Save My Soul/Changing"
A Seattle band which will probably experience a national break-out in 2010 (you heard it here first, folks). The keys player (Caleb, whose work on this song is simply delightful) also plays in a great gospel band fronted by my old friend Gareth. Their only album to date was released independently in '08 but this recording comes from a 2009 performance at Seattle's great community radio station, KEXP, which was released on the station's annual release of the year's in-studios.

2. The Big Pink - "Dominos"
The debut album by a couple guys from London, this was a recommendation from a music message board. Wow. How awesome? Very awesome. My head bobs, my fists wave, my body sways.

3. Basement Jaxx - "Raindrops"
I guest-co-hosted at DePaul University's radio station in 2003 on a great show called The Clampdown, hosted by a wunderkind named Ben Welsh. That night, he exposed me to a few great artists, one of whom was this British progressive house duo. This song is my unofficial summer anthem of 2009.

4. M. Ward feat. Zooey Deschanel - "Never Had Nobody Like You"

Singer-songwriter out of Portland, Oregon who has earned some high praise among critics and other artists. The entire album is fantastic, tastefully recorded with a minimal production which stays out of the way and lets the songs breath and speak for themselves.

5. Monsters of Folk - "The Right Place"

A supergroup made of M. Ward with Conor Oberst and Mike Mogis of Bright Eyes, and Jim James of My Morning Jacket. A fun, organic album with soaring three-part harmonies. The sound recalls something like the Byrds and Buffalo Springfield with a classic rock influence, but it's fresh and new and I dig it.

6. Vince Mira - "Cold Hearted Woman"

Known as "Juanny Cash" in the Seattle area, we've been catching this teenager's shows since early '08 as he plays a regular gig at the delightful Can Can restaurant and cabaret in the Pike Place Market, owned by our friend Chris who is also Vince's manager. He started as a Johnny Cash tribute act and has been writing his own stuff. This recording was produced by Johnny and June's only son, John Carter Cash, at Johnny's cabin.

7. The Blakes - "Little Bit About You"

Exciting Seattle band, a young and energetic British Invasion-inspired sound. Their debut was among the last cut from the final mix of the '07 edition of this mix. Their '09 follow-up is at least as good.

8. Girls - "Bid Bad Mean Motherfucker"

California garage grime from this band's interesting debut. Girls is a duo comprised of a guy who was born to parents of a cult called the Children of God who moved him around the world and made him sing in the cult choir before he split and moved to San Francisco where he met a liberal punk rock kid from Santa Cruz. They formed this band. Their music is good.

9. Bob Log III - "Shake A Little, Wiggle It, and Jiggle It Too"

Dude is weird in all the good ways. Saw him live this year. He wears a shiny gold jump suit and a motorcycle helmet with dark visor and a telephone receiver jury-rigged into the visor as a microphone. No band behind him, he sits on a stool, plays guitar and uses his feet to play drums and cranks out some edgy Delta blues. He also drinks Scotch throughout the show and conducts "band meetings" in which he turns his back to the crowd and says to his imaginary bandmates, "So how do you think it's going so far? I think they f***in' love us, man. I especially think they really dug that last guitar solo I did. Yeah. Let's rock 'em some more!" When this magnificent bastard comes to your town, don't miss it.

10. The Dead Weather - "I Cut Like A Buffalo"

The latest Jack White project (he of White Stripes of Raconteurs fame). Here, he teams up with vocalist and queen of dirty rock awesomeness Alison Mosshart of the Kills (who appeared on last year's edition), guitarist Dean Fertita from Queens of the Stone Age (who appeared on the '02 edition), and with White playing drums his rhythm section battery is fleshed out with bassist Jack Lawrence from the Greenhornes and the Raconteurs. Rock, hard hitting yet not afraid to carve out room for some space. Quirky but also rhythmic. I dig it.

11. Electric Six - "Egyptian Cowboy"

I was a few months late to the party on this Detroit band's rocktastic single "Gay Bar" (2003) so it missed the boat on that year's edition. They put out a great record in '07 and were among the last cut that year. In '09, I was committed to making sure this band made the cut. A few songs from the album were worthy, and I chose this one mostly because it represents their pleasantly tongue-in-cheek sophomoric demeanor and punchy rock dynamic.

12. Tinted Windows - "Kind of a Girl"

Another super group! This power pop bowl of sugar reminds me of all the great stuff coming out of Chicago in the 90s, from Material Issue to Loud Lucy, Tripl3fastaction to Cassius Clay and so much in between. Tayler Hanson on vocals, James Iha from the Smashing Pumpkins on guitar, Adam Schlesinger from Fountains of Wayne on bass, and on the drums... Mr. Bun E. Carlos! If you don't know who he is, then I'm pretty sure we can't talk until you've seen this. Click on it now. Now. I said NOW.

13. Julian Casablancas - "Out of the Blue"

We know Julian as the frontman of the Strokes. They're on a break. He made a solo album. It's good, in a Strokes-go-new-wave kinda way. This song is so catchy, it should be illegal. I also have a soft spot for the Strokes because in the hundreds of shows I've worked and had significant direct contact with rock stars, these guys were just as nice, humble and in touch with their fans as they come.

14. Wolfmother - "Cosmic Egg"

One of only two artists who've previously appeared on the year-end mix, these young Aussie lads can't be denied any more than their guitars - so heavy, so fuzzy - and the foot-stompin' hookery. I describe as Black Sabbath minus the 'ludes.

15. Mt. St. Helens Vietnam Band - "Albatross, Albatross, Albatross"
This Seattle band's debut is simply awesome. Over the summer, they staged a show and played at the base of Mt. St. Helen. (middle of nowhere) + (eruption-could-happen-at-any-time) = exciting. Little is known of this band. The drummer is 13. His older brother told him if he learned to play, they could form a band together. The kid learned and here they are.

16. Mark Mallman - "White Leather Days"
I can't figure this guy out. He's from Milwaukee, WI and has been based out of Minneapolis for a few years. He was in a few different bands and has been doing the solo thing. Jessica saw him live and was blown away. I listened to the CD and it did nothing for me. I joked that maybe he's a superhero who solves problems at malls, like some guy has a beef with the Sbarro and Mallman brings some crumbled sausage to make everything copacetic. I cast it aside. Last month, at Jessica's urging, I revisited, and as fate would have it...

17. Peaches - "Trick Or Treat"
Proceed with caution. I've loved this one-woman electronic band since '03 when I was playing her every night on my Chicago radio show but thought she'd scare you too much. This year, she is yours. I love this chick.

18. Andrew Bird - "Oh No"
I've been enjoying Andrew's music since '96 when he was sitting in as a violin prodigy with Squirrel Nut Zippers and started putting out his own stuff, which has ranged from hot jazz with his band Bowl of Fire to quirky folk-pop and everything in between. The album he released this year is so great, it makes you feel warm and airy, and I recommend it for a summer afternoon on the porch with fresh lemonade and a rocking chair.

19. The Cave Singers - "I Don't Mind"
This Seattle collective began when members of the great indie rock band Pretty Girls Make Graves formed a folk outfit with members of other bands (Hint Hint, Cobra High) to record some tastefully-arranged stuff that recalls a blend of the Dylan-Cash sessions and the better part of the Fleetwood Mac catalog.

20. Fruit Bats - "Being On Your Own"
If no other band charts my personal moves... this Chicago band migrated to Seattle around the same time I did, around the same time they signed to the legendary Sub Pop label.

21. Bon Iver - "Blood Bank"
This Wisconsin native's 2008 debut was hailed by critics and fans of the folk-pop movement. I knew the title track from the EP he released in January '09 would be a perfect closer for this year's mix the moment I heard it back in the first month of the year.

Honorable Mention:
Among the artists whose 2009 music was good and considered for this mix but for one reason or another, not included in the final cut: Rocco DeLuca & the Burden, Rodrigo y Gabriela, Felix Da Housecat, Grizzly Bear, Prince, Moderat, Jarvis Cocker, Regina Spektor, Franz Ferdinand, Blitzen Trapper, Pearl Jam, Bob Dylan, Michael McDermott, Wilco, Bruce Springsteen, Manic Street Preachers, Jay Reatard, Cam'ron, Tortoise, Lady Gaga, Jay-Z, Rye Rye, Eminem, the Black Eyed Peas, Kid Cudi, Pitbull, Sollilaquists of Sound, Khingz.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Tigger, Please

Like I'm gonna weigh in with one of my typically lengthy missives about Tiger Woods... okay, fine. My favorite Tiger joke so far:

Tiger Woods owns many cars, and now he has a hole in one.

It's pretty simple. He's a rich celebrity who cheated on his wife, apparently quite a bit, and apparently without covering his tracks as we'd figure a Stanford alum would. Verdict: he's a scumbag, and not particularly bright in the role. However he and his Swedish model trophy wife and their teams of lawyers wind up slicing the pie, they'll all continue to be rich. I kind of feel bad for the kids, but they'll always be rich as well. A billion dollars goes a long way. My heart bleeds profusely for these people. Actually... No, it doesn't. Most marriages end and most that don't live in a dysfunctional state; most homes end up broken and most that don't endure in a dysfunctional state. People deal with it and move on - and 99.9% of time, they do so with far less means than the Woods "family." Methinks these guys and gals will be just fine. As a good friend once told me:

Money can't buy happiness, but it can rent it for life.


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