Fun with the BlackBerry spell checker

In the course of text messaging with my brother, one can rightly imagine the kinds of unsavory words flying back and forth. I find the spell check function on the BlackBerry quite amusing. You can run the spell check anytime, and like MS Word any words it doesn't know or like will be underlined in red, but the 'Berry will pause for the cause and offer the unsolicited suggestions only if the last word of your message isn't in their dictionary. Naturally, the nature of communication between me and my brother is such that many messages end with a colorful expletive. Here are some of the suggestions offered by the BlackBerry spell check, in word: suggestion format.

jerkoff: jerk off
* apparently, this term is an action verb and not a proper noun.

dickhead: dick head
* similar to above, but here it's a concrete noun and not a proper or pronoun.

asshole: assholes
* the BlackBerry must know what kind of crowd we run with. Seriously, though, why is the plural acceptable but not the singular? Maybe BlackBerry insists that if you're going to be casting an "asshole!" you must make it count, get a little bang for your buck. I like the way you think, BlackBerry...

prick: price, pick, trick, brick, pricks
* again with the plural.

motherfucker: motherhood, mothering, motherland, motherboard
* bo-ring!

pussy - no suggestions, this one's okay by BlackBerry, but it reminds me of hearing Andrew Dice Clay explain to Howard Stern back in '92 what makes the difference between inoffensive language and what may earn you an FCC fine: "It's okay if I say, 'see that guy over there, that guy's a real pussy' - but if I say, 'hey, that's a nice girl, I bet she has a nice...' - that's when you get into trouble." Back to the BlackBerry.

asswipe: as swipe
* I see what they're doing here, kind of cute, but someone at BlackBerry has a wonderful sense of humor. Aside from being an adjective to describe my brother, an asswipe (also underlined in red by blogger.com) is a legitimate product. I use one every few days on my pets. There are few rules in my house, but one of them is, if you're not gonna wipe your ass, and you insist on not wearing any clothes, and you're gonna put your ass right on the floor or maybe even on the couch... get over here, pal, let's use an ass wipe and getcha clean.

"c-word" (hey, a lady might read this): cut, punt, mount, hunt, cult, bunt, aunt
* eh, not terribly interesting, unless of course you an aunt who is a c-word, in which case there's a mild trace of ironic double meaning to be enjoyed here.

douchenozzle: (empty)
* HA, BLACKBERRY, FOR I HAVE STUMPED YOU!

SCUMBAG v. DOUCHEBAG, BlackBerry v. Wikipedia:

douchebag: doughnut, doubleday, doubter, doughy
* BlackBerry gets extra points here for doubleday, which, incidentally, is underlined in red by blogger.com. Wikipedia says it can mean (1) device used to administer a douche, (2) pejorative term in slang use similar to but arguably less harsh than asshole, or (3) a 2010 film directed by Drake Doremus. I must call b.s. on (1) - the bag doesn't administer anything, that's the nozzle's role. The bag is a holding tank. I don't even douche and I know this. Goddamn Wikipedia, so bush league...

scumbag: scum bag
* while the BlackBerry splits hairs on this one a la dick head and jerk off, Wikipedia says it can mean (1) a contemptible person, (2) a used condom, (3) low income working class Irish youth with aggressive anti-social behavior and little respect for police, or (4) the title of a song performed by Green Day in the film American Pie 2.